Fuck You, Ricers

I fucking hate ricers. I REALLY fucking hate ricers. No, I don't mean I hate all the gooks out there. I love Asian women... I'd love to have a harem of Asian women. They're like fun little play-toys that you can toss around while you're going to town on them. No, I'm talking about these fucking idiots around here who think that they're living in some shitty movie staring two "actors" who are about as good at reading lines as they are attractive. One looks like the head of a dick and the other a faggot surfer. Together, they have the IQ of a fucking rock.

It's not 2001 (and unfortunately thanks to some popularity among those of limited intellect, namely the producers, writers and directors of Hollywood, 2003, 2006, 2009 an.. wait, fuck, 2011? They're making another movie in this fucking series?) you fucking idiots. Stop thinking that just because you have a car that looks remotely like the ones in the movie you're cool and own the road.

First of all, the fucking spoiler is completely unnecessary. The likelihood of your piece of shit car getting up to the speeds at which a spoiler is necessary to keep the car grounded is very close to that of Michael Jackson not being a child-molesting-bleached-botched-plastic-surgery-monster. Aww, Too soon? A-he-he! I've seen all kinds of spoilers here, from small cheap-ass plastic (w/ carbon fiber-looking paint, to be cool and expensive) to huge fins that look they they chopped 'em off a fucking whale (not Oprah, I mean great actual whale). Not only do these asshats put unnecessary pieces of shit on their trunk, half the time they use bolts from Home Depot (real stylish) and some even use duct tape. Yeah. Fast. Furious.

Next there are the ground kits that these dipshits put on the car. That is, after they have already lowered the car. Must be great trying to get over speed bumps in parking lots. I'm sure I've seen a video on youtube once of these 'special' fucks getting stuck while trying to go over one. It's annoying as hell being stuck behind them.. they don't want to scratch their precious paint job on their piece of shit molding so they go 2 miles an hour and get pissed when you honk the horn or scream obscenities. It's not my fault you have to go at a snail's pace because you put some overpriced piece of shit ugly-ass plastic trim on your fucking ricemobile. What the hell is with the bumpers that usually come with these stupid kits? They look like something out of a fucking sci-fi model mash-up from the 70s. I get fucking flashbacks to watching Star Trek on tv when I see these ugly things. Gotta have a huge gap in them too to funnel all the air to that massive 1.5 liter engine.

Speaking of the engine, good luck finding a ricer here that actually has put work on the engine. They'll plaster stickers for all kinds of things on the windows and panels acting like they're put nitrous oxide lines in or modified the suspension or put in some high-priced performance parts but don't let that fool you, it's a stock piece of shit. Wait, wait, no, they put in a cold air intake so that makes it automatically a really fast car. Just like putting that ridiculous-sounding fucking exhaust on does the same. Who the FUCK thinks having a 5" opening come out of something that sounds like pissed-off bee in a can is cool? Every time I hear these fucking piece of shit exhausts I want to run the driver off the road so I don't have to be reminded of the possibility of bees swarming my ass. Just listen to the sound of  that powerful less-than-two liter engine. It's performance!

Why am I writing about these douchebags nine years after that fucking movie came out? Because they're still out there, unfortunately. Some stupid fucking kids, or mid-life-crisis-having-fatasses, still think it's cool to have a "pimped" out piece of shit ricemobile. It wasn't that cool when The Fags and The Bi Curious came out and it sure as shit isn't cool now. If only these idiots would try doing a burnout and run into a fucking pole the gene pool would be a better place.