Find My Rants (Or other shite)

12 October 2010

Fuck You, Ricers

I fucking hate ricers. I REALLY fucking hate ricers. No, I don't mean I hate all the gooks out there. I love Asian women... I'd love to have a harem of Asian women. They're like fun little play-toys that you can toss around while you're going to town on them. No, I'm talking about these fucking idiots around here who think that they're living in some shitty movie staring two "actors" who are about as good at reading lines as they are attractive. One looks like the head of a dick and the other a faggot surfer. Together, they have the IQ of a fucking rock.

It's not 2001 (and unfortunately thanks to some popularity among those of limited intellect, namely the producers, writers and directors of Hollywood, 2003, 2006, 2009 an.. wait, fuck, 2011? They're making another movie in this fucking series?) you fucking idiots. Stop thinking that just because you have a car that looks remotely like the ones in the movie you're cool and own the road.

First of all, the fucking spoiler is completely unnecessary. The likelihood of your piece of shit car getting up to the speeds at which a spoiler is necessary to keep the car grounded is very close to that of Michael Jackson not being a child-molesting-bleached-botched-plastic-surgery-monster. Aww, Too soon? A-he-he! I've seen all kinds of spoilers here, from small cheap-ass plastic (w/ carbon fiber-looking paint, to be cool and expensive) to huge fins that look they they chopped 'em off a fucking whale (not Oprah, I mean great actual whale). Not only do these asshats put unnecessary pieces of shit on their trunk, half the time they use bolts from Home Depot (real stylish) and some even use duct tape. Yeah. Fast. Furious.

Next there are the ground kits that these dipshits put on the car. That is, after they have already lowered the car. Must be great trying to get over speed bumps in parking lots. I'm sure I've seen a video on youtube once of these 'special' fucks getting stuck while trying to go over one. It's annoying as hell being stuck behind them.. they don't want to scratch their precious paint job on their piece of shit molding so they go 2 miles an hour and get pissed when you honk the horn or scream obscenities. It's not my fault you have to go at a snail's pace because you put some overpriced piece of shit ugly-ass plastic trim on your fucking ricemobile. What the hell is with the bumpers that usually come with these stupid kits? They look like something out of a fucking sci-fi model mash-up from the 70s. I get fucking flashbacks to watching Star Trek on tv when I see these ugly things. Gotta have a huge gap in them too to funnel all the air to that massive 1.5 liter engine.

Speaking of the engine, good luck finding a ricer here that actually has put work on the engine. They'll plaster stickers for all kinds of things on the windows and panels acting like they're put nitrous oxide lines in or modified the suspension or put in some high-priced performance parts but don't let that fool you, it's a stock piece of shit. Wait, wait, no, they put in a cold air intake so that makes it automatically a really fast car. Just like putting that ridiculous-sounding fucking exhaust on does the same. Who the FUCK thinks having a 5" opening come out of something that sounds like pissed-off bee in a can is cool? Every time I hear these fucking piece of shit exhausts I want to run the driver off the road so I don't have to be reminded of the possibility of bees swarming my ass. Just listen to the sound of  that powerful less-than-two liter engine. It's performance!

Why am I writing about these douchebags nine years after that fucking movie came out? Because they're still out there, unfortunately. Some stupid fucking kids, or mid-life-crisis-having-fatasses, still think it's cool to have a "pimped" out piece of shit ricemobile. It wasn't that cool when The Fags and The Bi Curious came out and it sure as shit isn't cool now. If only these idiots would try doing a burnout and run into a fucking pole the gene pool would be a better place.

Fuck You, Intolerant Bastards and Hypocrites

Been a little bit since my last post. Been busy thinking of shit that pisses me off. Got a few topics now but this one just came to me while watching CSI: NY a few minutes days ago. Before I start, I know what some of you are thinking. "But Mick, you're intolerant and wouldn't that make you technically hypocritical?" Shut up, Meg.

This episode was about Sanguinarians who have a haven in New York City and one of its members was killed by her boyfriend who "tried to save her from those people." In the episode, the cast makes comments along the line of "I don't know what's going on with people these days. When did it get to drinking blood? What ever happened to stickball and manhunt?" When the medical examiner (creepy old guy) first told Mac (Gary Sinise, playing a vet who isn't an alcoholic cripple asshole (note to Tony, I'm not an alcoholic, dick, that's the difference)) first suggests that the girl may have been part of a "cult" they both react as if the people involved were all imitating a mix of Bundy, Gein and Gacy or some shit.These people are simply living a lifestyle that includes parts of old and new concepts of vampires. How is that so odd?

Vampires go back to prehistoric times. Granted, they weren't called vampires back then but the concept was roughly the same. The belief in these creatures, etc, is older than this crackpot religion that most of the cast probably adheres to. Yes, I know they are just characters but it pisses me off when the writers do shit like this. People have to be "nuts" to follow a vampire lifestyle, to think they're vampires, etc. No "sane" person could think like that. Aren't these the same people who believe that eating a shitty-tasting wafer of thin bread and drinking wine isn't actually eating shitty bread and wine but instead is the flesh and blood of some long-dead crackhead "messiah?" So it's perfectly sane to think wine and bread turns into flesh and blood but to drink actual blood, or just cut and let blood, etc, is insane and something to be mocked, eh?

It's nuts to believe in yourself and empower yourself through rituals and a relationship with others in a group but if you believe in some spooky all-powerful incompetent father figure you're right as rain. The fuck kind of logic is that? Right, right, I'm being intolerant now by mocking what I believe is a completely stupid fucking religion. I'll call it payback for all the times I've had people look at me odd or lecture me about "sacrificing children" whenever they learn that I'm a LeVayan Satanist. Hey, idiot, try reading a book sometime instead of listening to the retarded preachers on tv or at the pulpit. Just because my beliefs are different doesn't mean that I'm inherently evil (which I am), they're automatically wrong (they're right, you're not), or that I'm in some cult (guess how Christianity started...).

I just get pissed whenever any show, movie, jackass with a microphone makes comments about the religions and beliefs that aren't considered mainstream and "okay." One thing I always wonder is why is Christianity, Islam or other religions that exist now considered religions and not mythology like the old Roman, Greek, Norse, Celtic and other beliefs? Is it because there are still people who blindly follow the books so full of inconsistencies and bad bedtime reading  and immoral lessons but no one still believes that Zeus throws a lightning bolt at your ass? Who are they to say the Romans weren't right and now the gods are just chilling on some cloud up a mountain watching us all act like idiots?

29 September 2010

Fuck You, IHOP Commercial Guy

This one will be a short one because there isn't much to say about this particular topic. The commercial I'm talking about is the one with two "bikers" who visit IHOP and are sitting outside saying how they're not afraid.. go inside and put on a couple of old-school gay fake glasses with a big Jew nose, Marx eyebrows and shit. They then proceed to order two of the gayest dishes which is aptly named for these two assbandits. Who the hell orders a 'super rooty tooty fresh 'n fruity'? I thought only old people eat this shit. They continue to wear the dumbass glasses while eating then the fatass one hits the other one on the shoulder and laughs.
The fat one is wearing a "brave biker" t-shirt throughout the entire commercial. I guess the writer thought this would be funny, to have a fatass wannabe wearing a "brave" t-shirt but being afraid to say the name of and eat this gay dish without having an obviously fake face on. Yeah, real funny. I'm laughing my ass off. When's the last time you saw a biker with a bunch of gem-it type fugly buttons all over his vest? Looks more like a tubby emo kid that went with a shaved head and a goatee instead of the flock of seagulls haircut and three pounds of black makeup. The twiggy fuck isn't much better. He's almost convincing as a biker but again, he has gem-it shit all over his gloves and keeps them on while he's eating.

Every time this commercial comes on the air, which never happens to be during Sons of Anarchy for some reason, I want to throw something at my tv. That or find these two douchebags, and the writer of this stupid commercial, and introduce them to the real biker community. Speaking of which, I wonder if the Hells Angels have noticed yet that the skinny fuck is wearing a red and white prospect patch on the front of his vest? I'm pretty sure they didn't get permission for that shit.

Here's hoping you like your life, faggot.

28 September 2010

Fuck You, Celebrities

Celebrities piss me off. There are some that are genuinely good people. But the majority of them are complete douchebags. There is no reason these fucktards should be receiving so much money for their shitty acting jobs, horrible singing or ugly "fashions." How can anyone justify paying them millions of dollars to act? "Oh, it's hard on them, doing it day after day, pouring their heart into it, emotions, stress..." Yeah? Kind of sounds like a job, huh? I don't remember being paid millions when I was serving in the Army, dealing with stress, separation from family and physical labor all of which were probably more than these cocksuckers ever had to deal with since they "made it big."

I do a 9-5:30 job Monday through Friday. I resolve problems with computers so I can stay in my apartment, drive my car, and eat food. Sometimes money is tight, sometimes I don't have enough to pay some bills. These douchebags complain that they aren't getting paid enough (you know, more than $15 million) for a movie. I won't even make that in my entire goddamn lifetime unless somehow I invent the next big thing. It must be so hard living that life..

The thing that really, really pisses me right the fuck off is how these assholes get away with constantly breaking the law. Take for instance the waste of space Lindsey Lohan. She had three minor car crashes in two years. Sure, it's just a car crash, but she can afford the spike in insurance. Imagine YOU had three crashes. Insurance would probably equal all your goddamn bills combined and you'd be lucky to still have a license.

Car crashes are nothing, though. She gets nabbed for DUI and a "usable" amount of coke. What does she get for this? Rehab for 45 days. REHAB. I know for a fact if I were caught driving my car drunk with some coke next to me I'd be in prison faster than Oprah can eat an entire cake. Less than a month later, another DUI. Same thing, go to rehab. Failed a sobriety test two weeks after leaving rehab FOR HER DUI and was again busted with a small amount of coke. This time the judge wasn't a complete fucking idiot and charged her with felony possession of coke, misdemeanor DUI and driving with a suspended license. Back to rehab with this bitch.

She pled guilty to using coke and the DUI and was sentenced to ONE DAY in prison.That's right, one day. One fucking day. Not a year, not a month, a fucking day. Along with that 3 years of probation. She served only 48 minutes of her day sentence due to overcrowding according to a representative of the dimwit sheriff. She got another year tacked on because she (shockingly) didn't attend her court-ordered substance abuse classes. More shit happened, her probation was revoked and she was sentenced to a whopping 90 days in jail. Yes, 90 days for multiple DUIs and coke.

She was released after 14 days due to 'overcrowding' again. She was supposed to spend three months in rehab but instead spent 23 days since the fuckwit 'doctors' didn't think she could accomplish anything more at their facility. What the fuck kind of a statement is that? Well, she's gone as far as she can here.. we can't help her get over her alcohol and coke addiction any more than we have. Real great facility, fucking prime care there. It's like seeing someone dangling from a roof, rushing to their aid, reaching and almost grabbing their hand.. then leaving. "I tried. Couldn't help her."

In another shocking turn of events, the stupid bitch failed a drug test. Another dimwit judge (this time not as stupid as the rest) ordered revocation of her bail and stated she should be sent to jail w/o bond. Of course her lawyer appealed this the same day and was able to get her out on $300k bail. I'm sure your lawyer would do the same for you if you failed your drug test after all the trouble you've gotten in to. The best part is the lawyer appealed on the grounds that she had only committed misdemeanor DUIs. Forgot about the felony coke did we? ONLY DUIs. Yeah.. she was ONLY driving drunk multiple times, judge.

I'd like to see this shit fly in court for me. "Well, sir, I was only driving drunk a few times. I shouldn't be sent to jail. Wait, what? Coke? No, no coke use.. What? Failed drug test? Guilty plea in August 2007 to coke use? No.. no.. that wasn't me. It was my doppelganger, The Mike." My ass would be in the pen in five seconds flat with some big buy named Bubba eying me.

This shit is utter nonsense. I realize that our justice system isn't perfect but it should never have gotten to the point where you can buy yourself out of everything. I thought it was supposed to be "fair" and "blind"? How fucking blind can it be if you get shipped off to prison for 10 years while some prick who can't act but has made movies gets a slap on the wrist? I'm sick and tired of celebrities and rich fucks getting away with everything and anything while the rest of us normal folk get our asses handed to us every time we do something wrong. Oh, they have a horrible, stressful life living with all that money and fame and people watching their every move that sometimes they just can't handle it and turn to drugs and alcohol.

Sure, sure.. they cave in to the stress. What if I did that when I was still in the Army when I had a stressful job? Dishonorable discharge, possible confinement, my life would be fucked. These assholes get not even a slap on the wrist, more like a tap, a little tickle. Fuck them.

27 September 2010

Fuck You, Pimp My Ride

I know, I know, "Mick, why the hell are you watching this show?" Because there is nothing else on tv, bitch. That is the only goddamn reason anyone would watch this show. Well, that or they have some type of mental defect that draws them to retarded shows. You know, like people tune in to E!, Oxygen and ABC.

I wonder how half the cars they show could still be legally on the road. Some are missing lights, some are missing mirrors, some are missing FUCKING DOORS. DOORS. I'm pretty sure you can't ride around California without a goddamn door unless it's a Jeep. That state is so retarded it probably requires you to have three sets of lights (you know, backup in case primary goes out and backup for the backup), twelve seatbelts and airbags from every angle possible including one that protects your crotch from flying debris. The last item should be disabled as it would be better if most of the people in California weren't able to reproduce, but I'm getting off topic..

Why do all the useless bastards react the same to when they finally see the horrible results? Maybe it's in the contract with MTV that they have to jump around like little kids on crack, scream like they're being set on fire and do some type of acrobatic move such as rolling, flipping, cartwheeling or other equally gay moves. I'm guessing it's along the lines of "act stupid and overly surprised when you first see the piece of shit or we won't give it back to you." Every little dumbass detail they put in to the car gets a response of "oh my god, god, wow," or some stupid phrase from the 90's about how 'bomb' it is or some shit. Listen, fool, a little fucking wheel that moves is not a goddamn pottery wheel and it sure as hell isn't impressive. I did that as a kid with my goddamn Erector set. Big accomplishment, Diggity Dave.

While I'm on that emo fuck, who the hell uses diggity anymore? That shit is from 90's crap.Can someone please explain to me the attraction behind using three pounds of eyeliner when you're a male? You look like a fucking heshe that walks the corners. Pretty sure it takes more time for him to do his makeup and put his hair up in that fucking gay style than it did for the fools that did Mimi's shit from Drew Carey. I wish he'd accidentally cut too far down when he's doing his daily emo routine of sobbing in the dark and using a razor... that would be a good episode. "Well, Dave accidentally offed himself last night, so I guess we have no more gay idea.. oh, wait, the rest of you are still here."

Where do they come up with some of the ideas on this show? Also, why does it seem that every single car, truck, or boat (old cars, see 1980's Cadillac) ends up looking like some fucked up cholo vehicle? "We're going to put stupidly large rims on this neon! It'll be hawt!" A shitty paint job "yeah, we're going to put some purple over this candy green.. " (insert stupid skit about the Joker). "The suspension was all messed up so we replaced it with these airbags so you can adjust the height and bounce around like some rap video minus the half-naked women, bling and drugs." Some of the items that they put in the car are cool. It's always good to have a nice sound system with decent speakers and maybe a few screens but having a sub that's so loud it can cause permanent hearing loss in a second? You're fucking stupid, especially if you think it's a good idea to put a fucking HOT TUB in the back of a van near the sub and amps. Here's hoping one of you screwed up and the douchebag driving this rolling pile of shit will get electrocuted when he tries to show off his 'sweet ride'.

One thing I always ponder at the end is this: the car was a complete piece of shit, the fucktard could barely afford it or keep up on the maintenance and you expect them to do it to something with $30,000 worth of work into it? They can't even afford the goddamn insurance you dimwits! Plus half them live in ghetto areas so you know the second one of the people realize there is some hardware inside it's getting broken into. Good luck keeping that $5,000 audio system when you live in the hood, idiot.

Fuck You, retarded drivers

I know I'm not the only one that is sick and tired of all the stupid jackasses driving around out there without a clue in the world. The ones that cut across two lanes of traffic to do the sudden right or left turn, the ones that wait to the last second then remember they need to get off the freeway so they cut you off and go over the gore, the idiots who don't even look when changing lanes.

Then you get the pricks who drive lifted trucks and act like they own the road. News flash, dick, just because you jack up your truck by 2 feet doesn't mean you're more important than the rest of us. In fact, you're probably a small-prick having douchebag who thinks that a big truck impresses women. Guess what, it doesn't. Well, except for maybe hookers and girls with the IQ equivalent to that of a rock.

Old people should not be allowed to drive, period. I firmly believe when you reach a certain age you should have any and all cars you own taken away and unless you have a motorcycle endorsement, you should lose your license as well. It's horrible around here with all the old people living in their rock-lawn-filled town. You've got nimrods riding around on golf carts holding up traffic, old farts going 15 under the speed limit because they can't see over the steering wheel any longer since they've shrunk down like a gay man's dick in a strip club. The goddamn blinker needs to be turned off after you change lanes or turn you old bastard! I can't tell if you're going to cut in front of me (slowly, of course) or continue going 50 down the highway while everyone else is at least at 65.

What's next? Oh yeah, people who slow down whenever there is a cop around. Listen, idiot, the police are not going to pull you over for going the goddamn speed limit. "Sir, you were going 45 in a 45. I'm going to give you a ticket." Are you that fucking dumb? I'm pretty sure they have better things to do, like eat donuts, instead of pulling over your piece of shit car because you're going 3 over. Well, unless you're Mexican or black. I'm pretty sure they aren't going to come chasing after you on the highway when they've already pulled some other schmuck over either. That is unless you decide to go by at 100 and scream at them.

Green means GET YOUR FUCKING ASS MOVING. I hate people who sit for an eternity before they realize they can start to go. Pay attention, prick. If you notice that people around you are moving then maybe you can start to fucking go. I don't mean go 10 mph either. I mean accelerate to the goddamn speed limit or get the fuck out of my way so I can actually get to where I'm going without having your slow ass in front of me. These people tend to be the same jackasses that go at least five under the speed limit and give you looks when you go by.

Someone who cuts me off then gets pissed when I flip them off or honk my horn really make me mad. You're the dumbass who just cut in front of me, almost hit me because you didn't look before merging, didn't yield and somehow didn't notice my fucking car going 45 down the road, or merged in front of me going slow as a snail. It's not my fault you suck at life and driving. If you want to go through a day without receiving the bird or hearing a lovely car horn, stop being a stupid asshat.

That's all for now. I'm sure there are more retarded people and situations out there.. but I'm out of them for now. Anyone else have pet-peeves about drivers around them?

Fuck You, Flo

I absolutely hate the Progressive commercials with that ugly bitch Flo in them. Well, all of them suck really but these ones are especially bad.

As a biker, I get pissed every time a certain two commercials come on the air. First one is the ugly bitch discussing motorcycle insurance with a guy then goes "vroom-vroom!" He says, "sounds like you're running a 500" and she replies, "more like a 900 v-twin," with a uppity look on her face. "Well, excuse me..." "you're excused." Ahahahaha! Sooo clever and funny! Fuck you, Flo and fuck you wanna-be rider. This shit isn't funny and if he was a real man he'd have beaten her about the head with his helmet for being an uppity bitch who was back-talking.

The second one is where the ugly bitch is on a bike along side another rider and they are obviously in front of a green screen or simulated road. "Whoo! This is why we do this! Freedom! The open road!" NO you son of a bitch, you are inside a goddamn studio on a fake bike on a fake road. You aren't a fucking biker and probably don't know how to ride a real motorcycle. There is some more back and forth between the two fucktards then they get off (shock!) revealing they were riding fake motorcycles in front of a screen.

Ugly Flo asks the other douchebag if she has bugs in her teeth and he replies, "No, you're good." Another bit that is supposed to be hilarious that comes across as retarded. Bitch, you were on a fucking fake ride, of course there are no bugs in your teeth. There is, however, ugly in your teeth and face but you can't pick that out.

Yes, I realize it's the writer's fault but I can still complain about the stupid bitch Flo and the rest of the retards hired to help sell the insurance. Why? It's my goddamn blog.

26 September 2010

Fuck You, uppity bitch

Just a quick rant here before I have to should go to bed.

One thing that absolutely pisses me off is these prissy, uppity bitches who crinkle their noses and look down on me when I'm walking by. I'm not like the sexually-ambiguously-oriented tools they date, I have long hair, a big bushy red beard, a constant scowl and usually jeans with some loose cheap-ass Walmart t-shirt and my vest. In other words, I'm a normal biker. I don't have patches for a club but instead ones for my brothers who have served and those who never came back.

I've put my time in, been overseas, sacrificed my body and my sanity to keep bitches like these safe. It pisses me right off when they look down their noses on me like I'm a leper or some hobo walking by. So I don't look like a pretty tool.. get over it. You're not exactly a catch yourself. If I can see your ribs popping out of your chest, your hair is bleached more than Michael Jackson's skin and you're wearing the big fucktard sunglasses, you aren't much better than me. In fact, you're probably a useless bitch.

At least I did something useful and served in the Army. What's the best you've done so far? Got drunk and gave your tool boyfriend a hummer while he was driving you home?

25 September 2010

Fuck You, TJ Max, Ross and the rest of those stores

I realize as I start this that I probably watch way too much tv, but what can you do?

Just a little bit ago there was a commercial on tv talking about being a 'fashionista' and discussing how it isn't bad to wear last season's fashions because you get them at this particular store.

First off, fuck off with this fashionista shit. I'm sick and tired of hearing words with "ista" on it. I blame that horrible show with that horse-faced ugly whore Parker. These words should have never made it into normal life. They should have stayed on the show, or in hell, where they belong.

Second, what is people's obsession with wearing shit that retarded designers think is "fashionable?" Have you ever taken the time to look at some photos from a runway? They are hideously horribly put together. Stupid designs with ugly fabric and even uglier models. It's great being able to see the bones popping out the side of her torso because the designer decided that he wants to have a big empty area the size of Australia under her arm, isn't it? So sexy.

I hate people who buy clothes just to keep up with some "trend" or because it's a certain brand. I would rather spend ten dollars on a shirt that was comfortable than 35 on a piece of shit just because it has some idiot's name on it.