Fuck You, Ricers

I fucking hate ricers. I REALLY fucking hate ricers. No, I don't mean I hate all the gooks out there. I love Asian women... I'd love to have a harem of Asian women. They're like fun little play-toys that you can toss around while you're going to town on them. No, I'm talking about these fucking idiots around here who think that they're living in some shitty movie staring two "actors" who are about as good at reading lines as they are attractive. One looks like the head of a dick and the other a faggot surfer. Together, they have the IQ of a fucking rock.

It's not 2001 (and unfortunately thanks to some popularity among those of limited intellect, namely the producers, writers and directors of Hollywood, 2003, 2006, 2009 an.. wait, fuck, 2011? They're making another movie in this fucking series?) you fucking idiots. Stop thinking that just because you have a car that looks remotely like the ones in the movie you're cool and own the road.

First of all, the fucking spoiler is completely unnecessary. The likelihood of your piece of shit car getting up to the speeds at which a spoiler is necessary to keep the car grounded is very close to that of Michael Jackson not being a child-molesting-bleached-botched-plastic-surgery-monster. Aww, Too soon? A-he-he! I've seen all kinds of spoilers here, from small cheap-ass plastic (w/ carbon fiber-looking paint, to be cool and expensive) to huge fins that look they they chopped 'em off a fucking whale (not Oprah, I mean great actual whale). Not only do these asshats put unnecessary pieces of shit on their trunk, half the time they use bolts from Home Depot (real stylish) and some even use duct tape. Yeah. Fast. Furious.

Next there are the ground kits that these dipshits put on the car. That is, after they have already lowered the car. Must be great trying to get over speed bumps in parking lots. I'm sure I've seen a video on youtube once of these 'special' fucks getting stuck while trying to go over one. It's annoying as hell being stuck behind them.. they don't want to scratch their precious paint job on their piece of shit molding so they go 2 miles an hour and get pissed when you honk the horn or scream obscenities. It's not my fault you have to go at a snail's pace because you put some overpriced piece of shit ugly-ass plastic trim on your fucking ricemobile. What the hell is with the bumpers that usually come with these stupid kits? They look like something out of a fucking sci-fi model mash-up from the 70s. I get fucking flashbacks to watching Star Trek on tv when I see these ugly things. Gotta have a huge gap in them too to funnel all the air to that massive 1.5 liter engine.

Speaking of the engine, good luck finding a ricer here that actually has put work on the engine. They'll plaster stickers for all kinds of things on the windows and panels acting like they're put nitrous oxide lines in or modified the suspension or put in some high-priced performance parts but don't let that fool you, it's a stock piece of shit. Wait, wait, no, they put in a cold air intake so that makes it automatically a really fast car. Just like putting that ridiculous-sounding fucking exhaust on does the same. Who the FUCK thinks having a 5" opening come out of something that sounds like pissed-off bee in a can is cool? Every time I hear these fucking piece of shit exhausts I want to run the driver off the road so I don't have to be reminded of the possibility of bees swarming my ass. Just listen to the sound of  that powerful less-than-two liter engine. It's performance!

Why am I writing about these douchebags nine years after that fucking movie came out? Because they're still out there, unfortunately. Some stupid fucking kids, or mid-life-crisis-having-fatasses, still think it's cool to have a "pimped" out piece of shit ricemobile. It wasn't that cool when The Fags and The Bi Curious came out and it sure as shit isn't cool now. If only these idiots would try doing a burnout and run into a fucking pole the gene pool would be a better place.

Fuck You, Pimp My Ride

I know, I know, "Mick, why the hell are you watching this show?" Because there is nothing else on tv, bitch. That is the only goddamn reason anyone would watch this show. Well, that or they have some type of mental defect that draws them to retarded shows. You know, like people tune in to E!, Oxygen and ABC.

I wonder how half the cars they show could still be legally on the road. Some are missing lights, some are missing mirrors, some are missing FUCKING DOORS. DOORS. I'm pretty sure you can't ride around California without a goddamn door unless it's a Jeep. That state is so retarded it probably requires you to have three sets of lights (you know, backup in case primary goes out and backup for the backup), twelve seatbelts and airbags from every angle possible including one that protects your crotch from flying debris. The last item should be disabled as it would be better if most of the people in California weren't able to reproduce, but I'm getting off topic..

Why do all the useless bastards react the same to when they finally see the horrible results? Maybe it's in the contract with MTV that they have to jump around like little kids on crack, scream like they're being set on fire and do some type of acrobatic move such as rolling, flipping, cartwheeling or other equally gay moves. I'm guessing it's along the lines of "act stupid and overly surprised when you first see the piece of shit or we won't give it back to you." Every little dumbass detail they put in to the car gets a response of "oh my god, god, wow," or some stupid phrase from the 90's about how 'bomb' it is or some shit. Listen, fool, a little fucking wheel that moves is not a goddamn pottery wheel and it sure as hell isn't impressive. I did that as a kid with my goddamn Erector set. Big accomplishment, Diggity Dave.

While I'm on that emo fuck, who the hell uses diggity anymore? That shit is from 90's crap.Can someone please explain to me the attraction behind using three pounds of eyeliner when you're a male? You look like a fucking heshe that walks the corners. Pretty sure it takes more time for him to do his makeup and put his hair up in that fucking gay style than it did for the fools that did Mimi's shit from Drew Carey. I wish he'd accidentally cut too far down when he's doing his daily emo routine of sobbing in the dark and using a razor... that would be a good episode. "Well, Dave accidentally offed himself last night, so I guess we have no more gay idea.. oh, wait, the rest of you are still here."

Where do they come up with some of the ideas on this show? Also, why does it seem that every single car, truck, or boat (old cars, see 1980's Cadillac) ends up looking like some fucked up cholo vehicle? "We're going to put stupidly large rims on this neon! It'll be hawt!" A shitty paint job "yeah, we're going to put some purple over this candy green.. " (insert stupid skit about the Joker). "The suspension was all messed up so we replaced it with these airbags so you can adjust the height and bounce around like some rap video minus the half-naked women, bling and drugs." Some of the items that they put in the car are cool. It's always good to have a nice sound system with decent speakers and maybe a few screens but having a sub that's so loud it can cause permanent hearing loss in a second? You're fucking stupid, especially if you think it's a good idea to put a fucking HOT TUB in the back of a van near the sub and amps. Here's hoping one of you screwed up and the douchebag driving this rolling pile of shit will get electrocuted when he tries to show off his 'sweet ride'.

One thing I always ponder at the end is this: the car was a complete piece of shit, the fucktard could barely afford it or keep up on the maintenance and you expect them to do it to something with $30,000 worth of work into it? They can't even afford the goddamn insurance you dimwits! Plus half them live in ghetto areas so you know the second one of the people realize there is some hardware inside it's getting broken into. Good luck keeping that $5,000 audio system when you live in the hood, idiot.