Fuck You, Ricers

I fucking hate ricers. I REALLY fucking hate ricers. No, I don't mean I hate all the gooks out there. I love Asian women... I'd love to have a harem of Asian women. They're like fun little play-toys that you can toss around while you're going to town on them. No, I'm talking about these fucking idiots around here who think that they're living in some shitty movie staring two "actors" who are about as good at reading lines as they are attractive. One looks like the head of a dick and the other a faggot surfer. Together, they have the IQ of a fucking rock.

It's not 2001 (and unfortunately thanks to some popularity among those of limited intellect, namely the producers, writers and directors of Hollywood, 2003, 2006, 2009 an.. wait, fuck, 2011? They're making another movie in this fucking series?) you fucking idiots. Stop thinking that just because you have a car that looks remotely like the ones in the movie you're cool and own the road.

First of all, the fucking spoiler is completely unnecessary. The likelihood of your piece of shit car getting up to the speeds at which a spoiler is necessary to keep the car grounded is very close to that of Michael Jackson not being a child-molesting-bleached-botched-plastic-surgery-monster. Aww, Too soon? A-he-he! I've seen all kinds of spoilers here, from small cheap-ass plastic (w/ carbon fiber-looking paint, to be cool and expensive) to huge fins that look they they chopped 'em off a fucking whale (not Oprah, I mean great actual whale). Not only do these asshats put unnecessary pieces of shit on their trunk, half the time they use bolts from Home Depot (real stylish) and some even use duct tape. Yeah. Fast. Furious.

Next there are the ground kits that these dipshits put on the car. That is, after they have already lowered the car. Must be great trying to get over speed bumps in parking lots. I'm sure I've seen a video on youtube once of these 'special' fucks getting stuck while trying to go over one. It's annoying as hell being stuck behind them.. they don't want to scratch their precious paint job on their piece of shit molding so they go 2 miles an hour and get pissed when you honk the horn or scream obscenities. It's not my fault you have to go at a snail's pace because you put some overpriced piece of shit ugly-ass plastic trim on your fucking ricemobile. What the hell is with the bumpers that usually come with these stupid kits? They look like something out of a fucking sci-fi model mash-up from the 70s. I get fucking flashbacks to watching Star Trek on tv when I see these ugly things. Gotta have a huge gap in them too to funnel all the air to that massive 1.5 liter engine.

Speaking of the engine, good luck finding a ricer here that actually has put work on the engine. They'll plaster stickers for all kinds of things on the windows and panels acting like they're put nitrous oxide lines in or modified the suspension or put in some high-priced performance parts but don't let that fool you, it's a stock piece of shit. Wait, wait, no, they put in a cold air intake so that makes it automatically a really fast car. Just like putting that ridiculous-sounding fucking exhaust on does the same. Who the FUCK thinks having a 5" opening come out of something that sounds like pissed-off bee in a can is cool? Every time I hear these fucking piece of shit exhausts I want to run the driver off the road so I don't have to be reminded of the possibility of bees swarming my ass. Just listen to the sound of  that powerful less-than-two liter engine. It's performance!

Why am I writing about these douchebags nine years after that fucking movie came out? Because they're still out there, unfortunately. Some stupid fucking kids, or mid-life-crisis-having-fatasses, still think it's cool to have a "pimped" out piece of shit ricemobile. It wasn't that cool when The Fags and The Bi Curious came out and it sure as shit isn't cool now. If only these idiots would try doing a burnout and run into a fucking pole the gene pool would be a better place.

Fuck You, retarded drivers

I know I'm not the only one that is sick and tired of all the stupid jackasses driving around out there without a clue in the world. The ones that cut across two lanes of traffic to do the sudden right or left turn, the ones that wait to the last second then remember they need to get off the freeway so they cut you off and go over the gore, the idiots who don't even look when changing lanes.

Then you get the pricks who drive lifted trucks and act like they own the road. News flash, dick, just because you jack up your truck by 2 feet doesn't mean you're more important than the rest of us. In fact, you're probably a small-prick having douchebag who thinks that a big truck impresses women. Guess what, it doesn't. Well, except for maybe hookers and girls with the IQ equivalent to that of a rock.

Old people should not be allowed to drive, period. I firmly believe when you reach a certain age you should have any and all cars you own taken away and unless you have a motorcycle endorsement, you should lose your license as well. It's horrible around here with all the old people living in their rock-lawn-filled town. You've got nimrods riding around on golf carts holding up traffic, old farts going 15 under the speed limit because they can't see over the steering wheel any longer since they've shrunk down like a gay man's dick in a strip club. The goddamn blinker needs to be turned off after you change lanes or turn you old bastard! I can't tell if you're going to cut in front of me (slowly, of course) or continue going 50 down the highway while everyone else is at least at 65.

What's next? Oh yeah, people who slow down whenever there is a cop around. Listen, idiot, the police are not going to pull you over for going the goddamn speed limit. "Sir, you were going 45 in a 45. I'm going to give you a ticket." Are you that fucking dumb? I'm pretty sure they have better things to do, like eat donuts, instead of pulling over your piece of shit car because you're going 3 over. Well, unless you're Mexican or black. I'm pretty sure they aren't going to come chasing after you on the highway when they've already pulled some other schmuck over either. That is unless you decide to go by at 100 and scream at them.

Green means GET YOUR FUCKING ASS MOVING. I hate people who sit for an eternity before they realize they can start to go. Pay attention, prick. If you notice that people around you are moving then maybe you can start to fucking go. I don't mean go 10 mph either. I mean accelerate to the goddamn speed limit or get the fuck out of my way so I can actually get to where I'm going without having your slow ass in front of me. These people tend to be the same jackasses that go at least five under the speed limit and give you looks when you go by.

Someone who cuts me off then gets pissed when I flip them off or honk my horn really make me mad. You're the dumbass who just cut in front of me, almost hit me because you didn't look before merging, didn't yield and somehow didn't notice my fucking car going 45 down the road, or merged in front of me going slow as a snail. It's not my fault you suck at life and driving. If you want to go through a day without receiving the bird or hearing a lovely car horn, stop being a stupid asshat.

That's all for now. I'm sure there are more retarded people and situations out there.. but I'm out of them for now. Anyone else have pet-peeves about drivers around them?